my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
