So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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