You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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