so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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