Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
