God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
