the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
