I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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