Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
