I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize