She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
