is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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