this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
