i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
