DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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