i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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