I wish my penis had an off switch
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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