it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
