first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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