k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
