I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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