Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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