How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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