the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
