I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
