So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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