the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He better not be in your backpack
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
