They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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