My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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