cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize