Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
