dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
