Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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