bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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