I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
