There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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