Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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