I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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