Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
