Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Randomize
