This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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