I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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