the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize