I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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