we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
