Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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