We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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