i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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