I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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