mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
