hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Please don't give away my fajitas
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
