This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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