I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dicks are not precious.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
