Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
