We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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