we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
