i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
